


wander and wonder

by TheReferencer



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Letters, Poetry, love poem but it's sad but i've never been in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-05-05 17:57:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14624022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheReferencer/pseuds/TheReferencer
Summary: a collection of poems and short stories.





	1. ships that clash in the night

you kissed me and i  
felt fireworks explode  
down my spine  
every place your shaking hands brushed  
my clammy skin

you kissed me and  
i was gunpowder  
you were the whisper of a flame and we  
made explosions that  
tore apart everything  
good

you kissed me  
and i grasped at nothing  
ghosts of passion  
and misguided obsession  
linked our tangled hands

you kissed  
me and i was  
delirious, high  
on the lightning that ripped  
through me to my  
heart  
electric therapy  
for a lonely soul

you  
kissed me  
and i felt  
my rupert’s drop veins  
shatter in slow-mo  
a slow, deep splinter i watched  
happen

we were not some  
whirlwind romance

i saw no  
gentle roses in our future  
only the thorns that bled

and so i kissed you  
back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao guess who's never been in love


	2. a non-love letter

to: you

i miss when you were of no significance, when you were just another senior for me to idolise. i miss when seeing you didn’t feel like a punch in the gut. i miss when butterflies stayed butterflies and didn’t tear up my stomach. i miss when i didn’t run our conversations through my head again and again, when i didn’t think twice, thrice, a hundred times about the words that spilled off my tongue, my hands.

~~i miss~~

~~i miss~~

i miss when i didn’t care.

i don’t know why. why you had to be my first crush.

that’s a lie.

i know why i like you. it’s ~~because you because i just~~ because you’re different. fine, that’s cliché, but it’s true. you’re not like anyone else i’ve ever met. you’re the kind of person i read about in faraway stories, flamboyance (am i making this too obvious) and easy grace and a wicked grin. you’re so unapologetically you and i was drawn to that, how you flew in the face of what i was raised to believe was normal. at some point i looked at you and thought, i want to know you better. i want to know you i want to know i just  want. so much.

sometimes i worry that i’m not seeing you for who you really are, that i’m making you seem better than you actually are. and then i laugh because i am. I know i am. i don’t know you the way i pretend i do. i’ve been in the same room as you a grand total of five times, never mind actually talked to you.

...was that too much?

i’m sorry.

a small mercy: i don’t want to kiss you. thank god. i don’t want to date you, i want to be your friend. i want to hang out with you and laugh about nothing funny and be happy instead of anxious when i see you. i want to know what you think of me. i want you to know me.

i think i like you.

i think i’m scared.

unfortunately,  
me


	3. on having a crush

here's the high of it:

thoughts spilling out with wild abandon, no second guessing, just raw admiration and excitement spilling out. grin stretched wide with nerves, fear stripped away by more fear to leave false boldness, terror you mistake for courage. 

laughing like you know there’s no tomorrow, a whirlwind of snatched opportunities and breathless gazing and _god_ , you wish you-

don’t think.

keep talking like it’ll save you, let everything pour out but keep the most important things hidden away, the confession you rehearsed in your head in the sanctity of night.

stepping too close, filter kicked down, too fast and too much and.

here's the aftermath:

lying alone in the silence, the mad rush of before still rattling in your head. false confidence draining away, caving in to let horror and mortification to rise up in your chest, sweeping in mercilessly as you stare up at your dark ceiling. memories flood your mind. what you did, how you acted, everything you said. 

replay. replay. replay.

a movie marked confidential, playing so loud the world might hear.

analyse every detail, every twitch of a muscle. the way your laughter scraped too loud and frantic, the way your hands kept moving, the way you knocked over a cup and shook with anxious laughter.

assign emotions to a face you kept looking away from, convince yourself you screwed up all your chances. dig your nails into your palms. tell yourself it doesn't matter. hug your pillow, fall asleep after two hours.

tomorrow you'll see that same face except you won't, not really, because the moment your mind registers it you'll snap your eyes away. you'll wish you'd never see them again. you'll run away, and then keep looking over your shoulder.


End file.
